Breaking the Silence

This semester my blog has been fairly silent. A lot of the silence stems from the embarrassment and anger I felt over losing my campus job at DTLT. Its a long story but because I did not meet satisfactory academic progress for campus employment this past semester; I could not work or receive federal financial aid. So it has been a tough semester financially and my ego took a bruising too.

After losing my job I was forced to reflect on my reasons for being at college. I’ve known for some time now that I have very little interest in academics and have a tough time motivating myself to do work in classes. The question, ” then why am I at college?” has been asked many times. And truthfully I don’t know how to answer that in a non-complicated way. But there are a lot of things I do enjoy at college and I have learned a lot. So for the moment that is just alright.

I learned a lot this semester about doing things you don’t want to do (and the consequence of not doing such things), but I’ll admit that this might be the semester when I learned the least about the course material. I was stressed about getting good enough grades and about being a student that I lost interest in actually learning the material in favor for old methods of playing the system that would help me just get through. As it turns out I didn’t really have the fortitude to go through the motions the whole way through and just ended up sputtering to the end of the semester. Yeah, a terrible idea, I know. So I spent most of the semester feeling like a fraud and any motivation I had to write in this space was just gone.

But now the semester has passed, I have limped across the finish line and have decided to move on. More outlandish thoughts and more nonsense. Maybe I didn’t keep that new years promise to blog everyday, but perhaps in the last few days of 2008 I can overload everyones feed reader and come close to 365. Too much? You decide.

shattered memory” originally uploaded by millicent_bystander


4 Responses to “Breaking the Silence”

  1. 1 redbaiters December 23, 2008 at 6:25 pm


    No too much, simply never enough. More seriously, not having you at DTLT was a bummer. I know you struggle with the false consciousness of gaming the system, and I commend you there. But I also think you don;t give yourself enough credit, not do you really try and push the boundaries with subjects and assignments you get. It’s your education, you decide what it means. You do have some control, and I think 2009 should be abut you exercising some of that and, of course, returning to DTLT.

    I’m glad you limped through, but I know there is more than in you, and this ain’t about grades, it’s about ganas!

  2. 2 Mary-Kathryn December 27, 2008 at 10:57 pm

    From another student who was a bit “battered” ( HA! you know what I mean :o) ) and limped to the end of this semester, let me encourage you not to lose heart. I felt the same kind of embarrassment but I am throwimg myself back into classes after failing so miserably.

    So I want to give you a boost and tell you that I believe you can do it in 2009!

  3. 3 sehauser December 30, 2008 at 8:51 pm

    @Jim – Well it is a lot easier when I am surrounded by awesome people like you who continually push and challenge my thinking.

    @Mary-Kathryn – Right, we just gotta keep plugging away and hope we heal from our wounds before the next battle 🙂

  4. 4 Gardner January 1, 2009 at 2:52 pm

    Dear Shauser,

    Jim and Mary-Kathryn are right. You must throw yourself in. You must also remember the Kobiyashi Maru scenario: no one wins unless they change the game. Education *ought* to be about liberating and empowering the game-changer in all of us, in each of us. Many times it is. “I don’t hate school,” to paraphrase Quentin Compson. I have become resourceful in how and where I look for real school–and in my strategies for creating it (yep, insisting on it) when I have the chance.

    Chance. It favors the prepared mind. Your thoughts prepare my mind. I know they do the same for others. Believe it or not, in the right class with the right state of “readiness” (what Martin Buber calls “meeting”), you’ll find that your thoughts, your own intellectual agency, will be exactly what’s wanted.

    Keep encouraged. Don’t be afraid to succeed. Authentic success–the real augmentation of human intellect in a warm and inspiring community–is possible even in institutionalized academia. If it weren’t, I’d have quit long ago. It’s just a tricky, tricky business that we could all manage MUCH better.

    Viva real school! Viva Shauser!

    Happy New Year.

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